I felt I finally have something to say.
It’s been a while since my last article, I know. Four months. I’ve been on a search for four months long. With all my heart, I was hoping for something that’s not mine.
God took me on this search. He was with me during the process and leading me in each step. I searched for a new job, a new group of friends with whom I could share life, and a new environment to live and settle.
The motivation for starting this search was because I thought I heard from God. I still don’t doubt that it was Him. So by His words, I carried on, until four months later hearing absolutely nothing from any job and getting a little lost among the group of new people I met.
I think, somewhere along the way, I lost sight of the reason for my living.
The first indication was that I started to compare myself to others who have a higher and better education in the job searching process. After hearing people around me graduating from well-known universities and holding advanced degrees, I was intimidated. My BA from an average university was the minimum requirement for any position I was looking for. Most jobs require advanced degrees. Also, my past mission experience with YWAM was hard to be explained on a regular CV.
I also found myself lost in the conversations around status, money, luxury travel experiences, and stuff. They are not like the conversations I heard in YWAM. It’s not necessarily wrong to talk about these things or to own nice things. I simply don’t have them or fit in.
I joined YWAM right after university and have always been in a Christian/mission environment. As soon as I decided to leave YWAM and enter society, I felt the punch on my face from the world. Later, I realized my selfishness added to the motivation of job searching. I wanted to fit in, to live more comfortably, and maybe to be more recognized.
I can’t serve two Masters. I can’t serve God and myself at the same time. Nobody can. I have to choose one. It is the foundational teaching I heard ever since I became a Christian. It’s also clearly written in the Bible. But now it becomes more real to me after these months’ experience.
When I first said to God that I would follow Him, I didn’t fully understand the cost. I didn’t know what it means to serve Him. But now, it’s much clear.
To serve Him means to align my desire with His. When the world around me pushing me in another direction, I have to take a strong stand, holding on to the truth I once believed.
When my flesh wants to drive me to conform to the world and attempt to make justifications, I need to remind myself who is to fear and what’s more important than here and now.
Reflecting on the past months, I almost can’t believe I’d gone through all these. Now, I’m glad I did.
God could have prevented me from the experiences and the pain in the process. But He didn’t. He wanted me to figure out myself with His help and train my thinking to become more mature. Sometimes we will never really know something until we experience it. He has been protecting me, and He trusted me. That’s amazing.
This afternoon, I had the honor of sitting in the class with the founder of YWAM, Loren Cunningham and listening to his teaching. He’s such an amazing man of God. One thing he said struck me. “Live to leave a legacy behind.” It’s not success, money, or status. But a legacy for others, a blessing that can reach generations behind, the kind of significance that can inspire many.
Is that too much to live for? More than just living comfortably. But I think I’m going to try it. And with this better understanding, the future that belongs to me seems getting closer.